Happy Birthday Jack!

Tomorrow, the 29th of November, is the anniversary of the birth of C.S. Lewis (my best dead friend). I am going to be celebrating allllll day tomorrow.

My excitement level right now is an 11.

:]

Trip(s)

Philadelphia: interesting city. abrasive people. everything closes at 7pm (even on Weekends) this has caused me to reevaluate its status as a city. I was especially excited to see all the historical landmarks. Visiting Phili made me extremely appreciative of California. I'm not moving anytime soon.

I just got back from Columbus, Georgia. If you've never heard of it, it's probably because it is a small town in the middle of Nowheresville of very little consequence. Why did I go? Welllll....in 1989 six Jesuit priests were killed along with their house keeper and her daughter. When research was done, it was learned that many of the assassins were trained at the School of Americas at Fort Benning in Columbus, Georgia. This basically pissed off all the Jesuits in America, and by association, the Catholic church. My dad is a former Jesuit, so I went with him to the Teach-in/demonstration. 25,000 payed Columbus a visit for the demonstration this weekend, and I was privileged to see and speak with many interesting people.

Life is good...
:) It's gonna rain soon.

You Owe Me.

en·ti·tle
–verb (used with object), -tled, -tling.
1. to give (a person or thing) a title, right, or claim to something; furnish with grounds for laying claim: His executive position entitled him to certain courtesies rarely accorded others.

de·serve
–verb
1. to merit, be qualified for, or have a claim to (reward, assistance, punishment, etc.) because of actions, qualities, or situation: to deserve exile; to deserve charity; a theory that deserves consideration.

Is anyone "entitled" to anything? Does anyone "deserve" anything?

Adam and Eve broke humanity in the garden. We do not "deserve" God's grace. He gives it anyway. What about from human to human? Are there things that I am entitled to receive from someone? Do I "deserve" to be treated/thought of/esteemed in a certain way? Am I so important that I should think that someone "owed" me a certain position or status?

Humanity is made in the image of God, and that gives us some form of created integrity. The good book tells us that we were created well, but that we also did something (sin) that stained us somehow....which means that I am inherently screwed up, and so are you, and that every single day we both continue to mess up. How then, is anyone deserving of any goodness? Are they?

Obviously, we are told to treat others with respect because God cares about them and says that they are valuable to him. But does this have anything to do with what people are "entitled to" from one another?

It seems like there is a call to goodness not "because of what we deserve" but "inspite of what we do not deserve." .....

Aide-moi, s'il vous plait....Je ne sais pas.

-------
I'm leaving for Philadelphia in 5 hours. I am very excited. A few of us from the journalism department are taking a little field trip...
Scotty and Chad say that I should try Phili Cheese Steak. I say it's "man-food". Then again, Jen likes cheese, so I think I'll try it in honor of her...Jen is one of my most-favorite people.
----------
Also, I am rather nervous about the writer's strike. I don't want my shows canceled. I will miss John Stewart terribly. He'll prolly be the first to go.... :(

RAIN

Its RAINING!!!

:)

(miss moon has been pretty lately, too, just in case you've missed seeing her...)

kinda like rain....

(I wrote this a while ago. I didn't post it because I didn't want to admit to having a hard time...its been interesting to re-read this. I'm mostly the same, I think, but I've learned a lot... I'm posting for me, mostly as a way of getting over myself...)

I've had a really rough week. There are lots of parts of my life that are up in the air right now, and I don't know how they are going to end up falling...

There are lots of parts of me that are broken right now...parts that are disappointed...parts that are sad...parts that are scared...parts that are anxious...I don't know what to do with them all and it all just becomes a big giant mess...

This is the first time that the verses from Hosea 6 have really hit me.

Come, let us return to the Lord.
He has torn us to pieces;
now he will heal us.
He has injured us;
now he will bandage our wounds.
In just a short time he will restore us,
so that we may live in his presence.
Oh, that we might know the Lord!
Let us press on to know him.
He will respond to us as surely as the arrival of dawn
or the coming of rains in early spring.”


God has taken me on quite the journey lately. Things are messed up...there really is no way around it...


God promises to somehow fix things...he says that if I press on to know him better that he'll respond just like dawn breaks the darkness and rain restores the earth...


I think that trust might mean choosing to rest on a promise.

I'm not sure I can hear God very well, but it sounds like he might be asking me if I'll choose to trust him to clean up the mess...

Why?

Why do people care?

Why do people have cares?
Why do I care about people?
Would I really care about people if I knew I wouldn't ever get anything out of it?
Is "care" really "care" if a person is choosing it?
Do I really care about something if I am making myself care? Or is care only the act of choosing to value something?
Is it worth it to care?
If care is a choice, then what difference does it make to me if I choose to care/not care?
If its not a choice, then what is the value in choosing to care?

Maybe caring is just getting in touch with your less-broken self...either admitting to being in touch with it, or, through knowing truth, choosing to agree with what you know is true.

but is the latter "care"?

Is care an emotion or is it an idea?

if its an emotion, then how do I find it? And what if I don't feel anything? Then do I care or don't I?

If its an idea, then how do I know how to find it in me?

Aaaarrrgggggg. Chapel.

The chapel speaker at my school last Wednesday basically gave the "Sinners in the Hands of an Angry God" sermon (Jonathan Edwards) without the metaphor of the flimsy spider being held loosely over the pit of hell.(He read imaginary notes from people who got sent to hell instead) I was extremely uneasy throughout the sermon. The following seem to be the two schools of thought on the message:

1) He spoke things that were true. It is true that passages in the Bible condemn a person to hell who does not "Believe on the Lord Jesus Christ." (He said "accept Jesus", which I'd imagine is maybe the same thing.)Since they were true, it does not matter how he said it or why he said it. We are sinners who need to hear truth, even if it's hard. We can't experience mercy and love until we understand sin and our guilt. Christians don't talk about hell often enough.

2) That the message was inappropriate and condemning. He should not make judgments. He should not motivate people to Christ by trying to "scare them out of hell". Jesus is more than "fire insurance," and consequently, he should not be approached as a way out of hell.

I tend to think that while we were created to be eternal beings, and the concept of an "eternal damnation" or "separation from God" is very real, that it isn't the whole message of Christ. If Christ's message is one of God's love and a betrayal, and humanity given an opportunity to be made new and clean and holy again, then attempting to explain the person and message of Christ by scaring people over going to hell is a lie.

To say the least, I was saddened by the negative reactions of my friends and peers who have a hard time learning about the truths of Christ as a result of messages such as this.

~~Thoughts?

FRED!!!!!!

Fred is my favorite.

I kiss the ground he walks on.

"Before anything else, folks in Washington ought to be asking first and foremost, “Should government be doing this? And if so, then at what level of government?” But they don’t."
- Fred Thompson

Thank God someone knows something about Federalism.

http://fred08.com/index.aspx

OBAMA !

Just in case you all were wondering how I spent my Friday today, I will tell you.

(big HUGE breath)

IwenttoSanFranciscotoseebarackobamagivehisspeech-of-hopetorallyhisbayareapeeps










In case you were extremely bright and thought to yourself "I am not going to waste time attempting to read a statement from someone who neglected to use the space bar," I'll repeat myself.

I went to San Francisco to watch Obama speak.
It was great fun.
I went with some friends from school and two of my teachers.
We sat in the balcony at the civic center.
We all cheered for everything.
......except abortion.

It was hilarious.

He'd start talking about health care or benefits to single mothers, or day care, or dependency on foreign oil, or executive integrity, and we'd stand and clap until our hands hurt. We would be clapping and cheering while trying to listen to what he was saying, so he'd slip in something or other about how the Supreme Court doesn't have the right to make decisions for women and doctors and we'd sort of dwindle down our clapping and cheering and then awkwardly sit/stand there and mutter/shrink down in our seats. Crickets chirped among us a couple of times.
--maybe you'd have to be there....

ANYWAYS, now that I mentioned that, I'll also mention that I won't be voting for Barack.
I cheered for most things, mostly because it would be very lovely for mothers and workers to be cared for and for everyone to receive health care.
.....It just wouldn't be lovely (in my opinion) for the Federal Government to implement these sort of policies. Other notes on his speech/the rally would be:
-Obama is an incredible speaker.
-He is idealistic.
-He is kinda a socialist.
-He seems to really care about people.
-He is good at "hanging lanterns on his problems"
-He's good at making friendly little "jabs" at Hillary.
-I thoroughly enjoyed listening to him.
-I got a cute little button that says, "OBAMA"
-I put my cute little button on my back pack (its actually more of a messenger bag than a back pack).

it was a fun day...

posting and such....

Blogging has been hard for me lately. There are so many things I'd like to jot my thoughts out on, but I end up getting really wrapped up in how people reading it will think of me...(too emotional, too passionate about things that don't matter, too "christian", not "christian" enough, ill informed etc.) I guess it doesn't really matter, though. What other people think is none of my business....

On that note, I'll try to be perfectly honest. That's probably not true. I'll probably just be mostly honest, but I think that's better than nothing.....

Notes.

Dear Persons who saran wrapped my car:
I missed it because I am in Maui. Ha.Ha.Ha.


Maui has been cool. It is sunny here and there is an ocean.

Apparently there is going to be a hurricane. yay.

If you have a dog and you treat it like it is a person (buying a doggie stroller etc.), you should either have a baby or have another baby. Oh, and you're weird.

I am under the impression that the environment that I live in is worth taking care of. If Rob Bell's position on green-ness pisses you off, I don't want to listen to you whine about abortion or gay marriage policies in relation to Christianity either. More later if I feel like it...

Lately I've been learning a lot about a lot of things. More later if I feel like it...

(I am actually in a very good mood right now, even though it might not seem that way... :) )

It worked. :)

Mingle² - Free Online Dating

my blog is rated R because "sex" is mentioned 18 times....

...Attempting to enhance the excitingness of my blog by up-ing the rating.

Sex.
SEX.sex.sEx.SeX.sex.SEX.
Sexiness.

Sex.

SEX.

sex.

sex. sex. SEX. sEX. SEx. sex. sex.





sex.

...Trust.

My Dad, the smartest person ever, told me once that it is not doubt that is the opposite of faith, but certitude. In other words, if unwavering confidence exists, there is no need to "trust," and trust is therefore not only rendered obsolete, but the situation of absolute certainty does not even allow for faith to exist...

Trust, like faith, is an exceedingly abstract concept. It is an idea that can not be easily defined...

I'll explain.
The definition of "trust" offered by dictionary.com is "reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of a person or thing; confidence."

Everyone trusts. I trust that when I get out of the car, I will not fall through the crust of the earth but that my feet will instead land securly on some form of concrete. I trust that when I wake up in the morning and walk down the stairs my family will not be waiting for me with a bazooka to blow my head off. I trust that my integerous (yes. it's a word. I say so.) friend will choose not to stab me in the back.

This type of trust is based off of a level of certitude, though, and therefore does not seem strikingly valuable. I trust my sister to not smother me in the middle of the night. Still, that says very little about our relationship or about the person she is or about the person that I am. Nothing is at stake.

When someone says, "Do you trust me?" (in an open-ended fashion as opposed to in refrence to a specific situation) what does he or she mean? What could he or she want? There has to be more. Where is it?

comment thoughtfully, please...

Hey Everyone.....you can read my blog without being tainted. yay.

Mingle² - Online Dating

Paul.

I've been reading 1 Corinthians during the last couple days.
I tensed up at least once in every single chapter.
I think I decided that I don't like it.
I like the other stuff the guy has written, but based only on Corinthians, I don't think Paul would have been my best friend.

At least I'm being honest....

People.

I'm not very good at people. Spending extended periods of time with other humans has made me realize this.

I snapped today.

Feeling strong emotions of anger (hatred?) toward people is actually pretty scary. I guess I underestimate myself...

I wonder how I'm ever going to get along...

.....Enough Said.

MySpace Outage Leaves Millions Friendless

BEVERLY HILLS, CA—It is feared the sudden lack of online companionship could inflict long-term psychological damage among MySpace's 150 million users.

Messy.

I have one more day of school (tomorrow), and two days of finals next week. I'm pretty much done.

School is lame. I'll rant about it when I have time.

Besides that, there isn't a single aspect of my life that isn't messy right now....

(not sure what else to say...)

On Education

The latest of my days have been more or less congested with a growing sense of peevishness towards the education system that I unfortunately have the privilege of participating in. I am irritated at everything from senseless teachers who assign pointless work and brainless activities that waste my time to section 9528 of the federally imposed "No Child Left Behind Act" which allows for military recruiters to have unobstructed access to public schools. For the next week, or until I feel satisfied, I'll be discussing different aspects of the American education system that (in my opinion) are lacking and in need of reevaluation.

I am well aware that in third world countries the children are unable to attend school or receive an education. I realize that the system we have in place right now is superior to those in war-torn countries. Please don't comment about how "at least we can go to school." I'd like to emphasize ahead of time that pointing out the systems that are worse doesn't justify the mistakes and faults in ours...

I'll begin with this excerpt...

'THE ANIMAL SCHOOL'
AN EXCERPT BY
LEO BUSCAGLIA, PH.D.
FROM
LIVING, LOVING & LEARNING

I always tell the story of the animal school, a fabulous story that educators have had around for years. We laugh about it but we never do anything about it. A rabbit, bird, fish, squirrel, duck, and so on, all decided to start a school. Everybody sat down to write a curriculum. The rabbit insisted that running be in the curriculum. The fish insisted that swimming be in the curriculum. The squirrel insisted perpendicular tree climbing be in the curriculum. All the other animals wanted their specialty to be in the curriculum too, so they put everything in and then made the glorious mistake of insisting that all the animals take all of the courses. The rabbit was magnificent in running; nobody could run like the rabbit. But they insisted that it was good intellectual and emotional discipline to teach the rabbit flying. So they insisted that the rabbit learn to fly and they put him on this branch and said "Fly, rabbit!" And the poor old thing jumped off, broke a leg and fractured his skull. He became brain damaged and then he couldn't run very well either. So instead of an A on running, he got a C in running. And he got a D in flying because he was trying. And the curriculum committee was happy. The same way with the bird- he could fly like a freak all over the place, do loops and loops, and he was making an A. But they insisted that this bird burrow holes in the ground like a gopher. Of course he broke his wings and his beak and everything else and then he couldn't fly. But they were perfectly happy to give him a C in flying, and so on. And you know who the Valedictorian of the graduating class was? A mentally retarded eel, because he could do almost everything fairly well.

To the Emotionally- Charged Evangelical Fundamentalist Recruiters of my World:

I probably owe lots of people apologies...even though I'm not very sorry yet...

This week has been "Spiritual Emphasis Week" at school, and it's brought to the surface plenty of emotions and tensions that have been buried in my chest for a long time. In short, I'm reminded of how much I don't like Christians.

I don't exactly know how to explain why I don't like you people, or what exactly you do that that bothers me...maybe its because you frustrate me by spending more time discussing accountability partners and why you aren't doing devotions and why not dating is making you a better Christian than about Jesus....maybe it's because the way you present the Bible makes me want to burn it.......or maybe its just because I think you’re stupid and intellectually incompetent…..

I read an article recently by a lady who described her reaction to "churcyness" by saying something along the lines of "I don't have a problem with God; I just can't stand his friends”. I completely understand where she’s coming from…

I honestly don't know what to do with you people. I'm angry at how you present Jesus’ message, and how being around you seems to suck the magic out of the Gospel. I'm saddened by what it seems like following Christ means you, and I'm embarrassed by the way your social and political ideology affects my reputation.

.....I want you people to know that I'm sorry....I'm sorry for my bad attitude and for being arrogant and for thinking that I'm better than you. I'm sorry for considering you narrow-minded idiots, since I'm sure that somehow that's not the case. I'm sorry that in my anger I haven't made much of an effort to love and care for you. I'm sorry for not listening to you and for not liking you....I'm sorry about how I'm more concerned about my reputation and the way you affect it than helping you understand. I’m sorry that I forget that God loves and cares about you and thinks that you’re important, and I’m sorry that I don’t treat you that way...you deserve better, and I apologize.

.... I think mostly I'm sorry about the fact that I'm not very sorry yet....

…..I’m working on it………just not quite there…..

.....Avril

(this will be my last complaint for awhile...i promise)

a few years ago, when avril lavigne was cool, i liked her music. i was emo. i identified with her "complicated" and "damn cold life".

...then i got over it and decided not to listen to her until she had a good day.


her good day didn't help. i find her new upbeat inspirational style just as annoying.

"You're not alone
Together we stand
'll be by your side, you know I'll take your hand
When it gets cold
And it feels like the end
There's no place to go
You know I won't give in
No I won't give in

Keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through
Just stay strong
'Cause you know I'm here for you, I'm here for you
There's nothing you could say
Nothing you could do
There's no other way when it comes to the truth
So keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through"


If mix 106.5 plays that song one more time, my car radio will find itself smashed under my tire.

~end rant

Heh Heh Heh.........

It's always rather awkward when you're sitting in church/chapel/class enjoying (or tolerating) the speaker/pastor/teacher's sermon and suddenly it gets good...

.....unnaturally good.

people are laughing. The story sounds familiar. It sounds familiar because its from one of the books you read......

-Gotta love originality....

If you're a teacher/pastor/preacher/
speaker/whatever-the-heck-other-terms-we-use-to-describe-you, do me a favor please and don't use the creative stories from Erwin McManus or other ever popular Christian writers of our time without citing them........it makes me have a hard time listening to you.......

UGGHH........politics

(This is an experience I had about eight months ago that I had written in my journal...)

"Today I spent the evening at Barnes & Noble reading a book about a neurosurgeon. Towards the end of my evening, a couple of friends saw me and came over to chat. The blonde doctor on the cover of my book was accidentally mistaken for the author Ann Coulter. When my friends realized that I wasn’t reading an Ann Coulter Book, the disappointment was clear, and one of them ran to the front of the store to retrieve a copy of her two latest books. I don’t know much about Ann Coulter, but the titles of the books (How to Talk to a Liberal (If You Must) and Godless: The Church of Liberalism) enabled me to assume her political affiliation. I’m not really sure if anyone really knows what liberal means in the first place…many people associate it with support for abortion, homosexuality, gay marriage, blue hair, piercing holes, prostitution, tattoos, and burning the American Flag. At least that’s the impression I get….anyways, my friends told me a story about this asinine-boarder-hopping-family who brought their little girl over- illegally- for a 3 million dollar surgery. Since this family didn’t have insurance, good ‘ol Cali ate the bill. My friends expressed their annoyance and utter disbelief in the unfair system, saying that their tax money was stolen to fund another lazy family who shouldn’t have hopped the boarder etc. etc. etc.
To be honest, what they said made sense. A lot of sense. Why should MY parent’s hard earned tax money be thrown down the drain to people who don’t have a job? And what about Americans? Aren’t we first priority?

........Then I went home. And then I thought about it.

I have no clue what it’s like to be a parent. I don’t have kids. I’m only 16. But I can imagine parents watching their little girl play with her barbies and run through sprinklers, knowing that next year at the same time she’ll be gone. What would it be like tucking your kid in… reading her a book, and kissing her on the forehead, and with a smile plastered on your face, looking up out the window and seeing the city lights… What would it be like knowing that your kid is sick and not too far away is a place that could offer her a chance... she might be able to grow up...
I thought about that and I got sorry. I got sorry that all day all I thought about was myself. "


When I analyze political situations I often forget that they affect real people and real families that are not so different from mine. I find that in my white-upper-middle-class arrogance, I am unable to sympathize with those who become victims of the policies that we make...the policies that I will be voting on in the not so distant future...

I'm finding it difficult to define my social obligations and responsibilities when it comes to public policy. I'm not sure where to draw the line. (not even sure what line i'm talking about...)

"Second Star to the Right and Straight on 'till Morning"

"Come with me where you'll never, never have to worry about grown-up things again." -Peter Pan

When I was little, getting older was one of those things that I never questioned and almost always looked towards with some amount of anticipation. I used to raid my mom's closet and wear her high heels and paint my face with her makeup. A few years later my friends and I would ride our bikes along the trail in front of my house, pretending we were driving cars (mine would always be a blue motorcycle and we'd stop for gas at every exercise station). Its sad when you get a little older and realize that none of the things you wished for were really as cool as you thought they'd be. Instead of basking in my newfound teenage freedom, I find myself wandering around aimlessly, feeling very lost. Besides, those high heel shoes hurt my feet and having a car takes me further and further away from home.

Growing up hasn't done much for me. I don't like being stressed out and worried, and I hate that anxiety seems to be my future's best friend. I'm sick of being busy with things that are dumb and feeling bad about doing things I want to do. I hate that I look toward whats going to happen almost singularly with dread...

I wish that just for one day, I could go back in time. I'd relive my 6th birthday and remember what its like to not worry about things. I'd play in trees and have a tea party, and I wouldn't feel bad about all the things I should be doing. I'd go back to chasing leprechauns and talking to fairies and playing hop scotch on my driveway....and when my hands got all dusty from the side walk chalk, I'd paint my face with the colors and pretend that i was Pocahontas....

Its sad feeling like an awkward lost kid and being all alone. Actually, I think that's the worst part-- being all alone. I wanna go back and I have no one to go back with...I wish Peter Pan would show up at my bedroom window and whisk me off to Neverland. If he did, he'd be my new best friend...



I'd change the story, though.... I wouldn't come back....

Horsies Make Everything Better

Umm, yeah.... so I watched Flicka. It was good.

and umm, Tim McGraw was in it.....

soooo.....we kissed and made up.

(his music still sucks.)

A Sad Conclusion

Tim McGraw does not have the right to exist. He has no purpose in society, unless a person is subjected to capital punishment for doing something very very bad. When Thomas Jefferson drafted The Declaration of Independence and stated that all men have certain unalienable rights, he could not have possibly fathomed that a man like Tim McGraw would ever inhabit the earth. If he did, I am confident that he would have included a clause stating that these rights do not apply to him.

My sister has developed an altogether nauseating obsession with Tim McGraw, especially his song "Last Dollar," http://www.timmcgraw.com/index-frameset which has been repeating in my house since 7:30 this morning. It is now 9:19 pm. I am going to be sick.

I read an article in The Economist not too long ago explaining how the entire world is amused at America's "contribution" to global society with regards to Country Music. I am humiliated. I blame Tim McGraw.

America's artistic progress is clearly at a decline if people turn on their televisions to be entertained by such a pathetic excuse for music.

Stella Basium

To everyone who's been telling me to blog: Here goes....

Living in a Fog

Another week has come and gone. Another week that I won't remember. I didn't do anything noteworthy. Everything is a blur. I can't distinguish one day from the next. I drift. I'm disconnected. I live in a fog.